I love ridiculously expensive stuff. I mean, as I love it as a concept. I don’t have a drawer of luxury goods that I moon over, but will always click into an article about how there’s a burger in Dubai that costs twelve grand. Always.
I especially like hearing about ridiculously expensive small stuff. Like, you can buy a €400 Gucci sock. And honestly, while I could talk about that pair of socks all day, this is a beauty blog. Instead, I picked the smallest cosmetic I could think of – lip balm – and I’m going to try to track down the most expensive one. Bonus fun – we’ll rate the product description nonsense for each balm too.
La Mer Lip Balm, €60
I got this as a gift last Christmas and, unfortunately, I love it. I haven’t had chapped lips since the day I applied it, so it definitely works. It feels great, tastes great and works quickly. Would I buy it for myself? Abso-fucking-lutely never, but I’ll relish it while I have some left.
Bonkers Brand BUMF rating – La Mer’s use of an “essential protein found in the arctic” makes me think of the 1951 film about an icey alien, The Thing. Excellent work, ten out of ten excessively fancy sales pitch.
Sisley Confort Extrême Nutritive Lip Balm,€54.50
Slightly less expensive than the La Mer Lip Balm AND it comes with a spatula. It’s the kind of bargain you alert the Country Club Girls to ASAP.
It’s unscented and flavourless, Confort Extrême’s selling point is its longevity. Apply a layer at night and it’ll coat your lips until morning, sort of like a mask. It’s a celebrity favourite – Lorde apparently likes it a lot, which is the most off brand thing I’ve heard since Cher said Tom Cruise was a great lover.
Bonkers Brand BUMF rating – MINUS A MILLION. Sisley just lists the ingredients and says they’ll treat dryness. Not a notion in sight.
This is so fancy that when I googled reviews, I ended up on the blog of a violently glamorous mob wife. Sold!
Bonkers Brand BUMF rating – Guerlain says that
By Terry Baume De Rose, €46.80
I feel like this is the product that most people think of when they think of luxury lip balms. It’s a cult classic, but ranks well on merit too. I’m always here for a rose scent, it’s richly nourishing and it contains SPF 15. Pained as I am to say it, it’s on my wish list.
Bonkers Brand BUMF rating – By Terry plays up its cult status, but you gotta do what you gotta do, especially when you’re flogging a forty quid lip balm. C+, totally passable gushing.