I bet most wedding planning Facebook groups are helpful. I bet they provide support and advice. The fact that every one I’ve joined has been more dramatic than you’d expect is probably more to do with me.
They say water seeks its own level; I suppose my level is 20-somethings with too many feelings about cufflinks.
A few months ago, I joined a handful of groups so I could research posts for my wedding section. I did not know what joys were in store. What my new Internet pals lack in tips and advice, they more than make up for in flaming hot scandal.
For better or for worse, I am obsessed with the strangely terse culture of Facebook wedding planning groups.
Surprisingly, in the short time I’ve been a wedding gossip hound, I’ve noticed patterns and themes. I can guess where a post is going to end up before I’ve even checked if the bride is OK, hun. While I don’t recommend the groups I’ve joined to people who are actually planning their weddings, I do recommend you pop by for some digital people watching.
It’s like reality television, only you’re reading, so it’s actually good for your brain.
Also, it goes without saying that this is all in good fun. Wedding planning is stressful, losing your shit over canapé choices is OK, once in a while.
Without further delay, let’s talk about the main players in Facebook wedding planning!
Brides Who Hate Their Fiancés
Imagine your best mate venting about her teething baby in an early-morning text. She’s one interrupted nap away from taking an bábóg back to the cabbage patch, exhausted and exasperated.
This is the exact tone of Brides Who Hate Their Fiancés. Their partners are the hopeless dads from cleaning product advertisements. If allowed, they would wear tuxedo t-shirts to their weddings. They make jokes about being harangued into marriage. They have groom’s cakes.
Greatest hit from a real wedding: The groom who didn’t want to swap his shift at the doughnut shop for his own actual wedding ceremony.
People Who Love Their Children BUT NOTHING ELSE
Women often ask their Facebook group peers for their thoughts on adult-only weddings. This has never gone well, because of People Who Love Their Children BUT NOTHING ELSE.
Have you seen Meryl Streep’s reaction to her daughter being taken from her in Sophie’s Choice? These parents react like that, only with more anger.
The odd thing about it, y’know, aside from the fact that the whole thing is odd, is that the parents will never meet the person who is asking about child-free receptions. It’s the mere notion of a no-kids party that triggers the rage.
Greatest hit from a real wedding: The guest who told a bride-to-be that she wouldn’t deserve to have her own kids if she didn’t invite any to her own wedding. And, in this case, greatest hit means biggest wagon.
People Who Watch Too Much TLC
Some brides look for support from Facebook. Often, something has gone a bit pear-shaped and they’re looking for reassurance that it’s not the end of the world.
In one instance, a woman who ordered a mint-coloured cake ended up with a very lively shade of lime. She was freaking out. By the time a few hundred emphatic brides were finished with her, she thought her tennis-ball inspired cake was just a slightly more vivid version of what she had wanted. It was heartening.
However, more often than not, a bigmouth who fancies themselves as they sassy sister from Say Yes to the Dress wades in. They’ve got a problem with the applique and they need the bride to know about it. They are the worst.
Greatest hit from a real wedding: The soulless creature who commented on a bride’s final fitting picture with ‘Not nice, get a new one’. May your teas always go cold before you finish them.